Disclosures From Days Gone By.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “A Mystery Wrapped in an Enigma.”

Some of the events from my past have been buried deep and seldom surface.  I could count on the fingers of one hand the people that are familiar with this excerpt from my early days.

“That which you resist persists”, has been a basic truth in my experience, and my great desire to share who I am (another way of saying to be me)  has been buried under what once was debilitating shyness.  Born of extreme self consciousness, it has been a struggle to find comfort in being seen. I recall early school days when my teacher would just look at me and I would feel the immediate heat rising under my skin and knew that my face was tuning an uncontrollable red which in turn resulted in more inner devastation.  Such embarrassments were frequent and painful.  I had come to fear my own responses, and was convinced I was transparent enough for all to see the many eruptions that were non stop occurring in my juevenile  body.  Surviving this sensitive nervous system became a practice of hiding behind blanket smiles, deflecting comments and much time spent in quiet while observing the inner and outer landscapes.  Sharing this tumultuous world with others was impossible as I myself understood it not.

It is said that we may not get what we want, but we get what we need.  I have been surprised many times by the creative forces that were involved in the conjuring of events in my unfolding years.

It was Friday afternoon in May of 1966.  I had just removed the key from the lock in our apartment door, heard the steady ring of our telephone and ran to answer it.  An unfamiliar voice asked for me by name.  I replied with a sense of trepidation…who was this stranger calling for me.  He introduced himself and proceeded to inform me that I had been selected as one of ten finalists for the first “Miss Teenage Montreal” contest.  Unbeknownst to me,  my mother had entered my photo in to this contest on a lark. Surprised and alarmed,  I answered politely as he gave me instructions for the upcoming televised pageant that  I was to be part of.  My mother was very excited over this new development and offered to take me shopping to purchase a new dress for the occasion.

Saturday had arrived, it had been a week since the surprising phone call.  Contestants were arriving at the television studio.  My nerves were on edge and I had a sense that I was no more in my body,  but hovered somewhere in the vicinity. I do not remember the particulars of the half hour that followed, but I recall the naming of the runner ups, then…….”.And the winner is”       ……I heard the L sound,  beside me stood a young girl who’s piercingly blue eyes were enhanced by the draping soft folds of pitch black hair that fell around her shoulders. Her name was Lois:  I turned to face her and already began my applause when suddenly I heard my name.  How could this be possible ?  The surprise was recorded as the realization set in.

This began the breakdown of an extreme fear.  No matter how well I tried to hide….I was in the world,  I was present and I was visible.

In the rehashing of years that have come to pass, I learned that the habit of moving quickly from one thing to the next and the next and the next was also a tool for dodging the call to stand present and vulnerable to one’s own truth.

I understand now that this introduction to life has been a precursor to a path that only I could walk, to find my way, to befriend my differences and to embrace this journey on the way to “Know Thyself”.  This spark with in us all that has come to give and take,  to love and be loved will find it’s way to the surface with the aid and assistance of that which creates all things.

Here in lies a little peak at the workings of one of those sparks.

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9 Comments

May 29, 2015 · 3:55 am

9 responses to “Disclosures From Days Gone By.

  1. Quote:”That which you resist persists”

    This is true. I like your writing. Thank you for sharing your work. I’m glad I found your blog through the daily post! Feel free to check out and comment on mine as well. Keep posting!

    -Romina @ http://www.dietyogaenergy.com

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  2. What a delightful peek into your past! Your Mother obviously knew the inner you, and found a way to help you show yourself to the world. Wonderful!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow… I can resonate with this!

    I too had a case of mega-self-consciousness as a teenager in the 60’s!
    But somehow I managed to protect my secret by putting on an aire of confidence which grew into being thought of as a tough guy with a heart of gold (like the Fonz).

    Even before that, when I was in seventh grade English class and we were to give a speech, I was sooo terrified that when the day came for my turn I hid out in the basement. We came and went from the laundry room and as we would go home for lunch in those days, I would resurface at noon. And, Mother not suspecting my delinquency, would serve up a bowl of soup and sandwich. I think I might have even forged a note explaining my absence to the teacher.

    The speech days were only once a week, so this went on for two or three mornings in the coming weeks until one day I heard the phone ring upstairs and listened as my mother exclaimed, “No Bob isn’t here, he is at school!” followed by a long pause, it was the Principal and the jig was up!

    Anyway, the next speech day the Principal came into the classroom to listen to me stutter and stammer some incoherent words…I have no idea what the speech was supposed to be about. But I was sure relieved when it was over!

    Fast forward the age of 25, to my promotion to branch manager and getting on the first rung of the so-called corporate ladder. Something prompted me to join Toast Masters. Their meetings were held at the University and they had a stage for the guest speakers. I remember my first speech, “Nothing Happens until Something Gets Sold.” For whatever reason, once I got going, I was completely at ease.

    But back to the question of shyness or self-consciousness.

    I have since come to realize that this is also form of egotism at the opposite end of the scale, so to speak. Or strong identification as being this “me” or persona that needs to be protected at all costs, otherwise the thinking goes that I would be exposed as a fraud.

    The word ‘persona’ comes from the Greek word for a “mask” that was used by actors in live plays. And what I have come to realize is, that even if I remove the mask or completely surrender ‘my persona’ the play goes right on without “me”.

    This entire world of constant movement and drama is seen as being completely automatic and more like a day-time dream. However, the fictional “me” appears to still be backstage wanting to be noticed and tries to take credit for “my” actions – good, bad or ugly!

    Once I completely surrendered the “me” (or rather once it was dropped) it is revealed the REAL FRAUD is, there isn’t any ‘one’ inside this body/mind making decisions or controlling things.

    And more importantly, that who and what I really, really am is Awareness or Being or Source!

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  4. Paul

    A clear evocation of what shyness does to a teenage body. And there is no voluntary control over it.
    Lovely piece.
    Thank you. Paul

    Liked by 1 person

  5. belindacrane

    Have you ever been around people that make you feel total relaxation and comfort? If you have you may notice they don’t say much and they are never the centre of attention. They seem to be much more enlightened than others. Think of your earlier memories as a gift. You have probably seen and heard a lot more in your life than others 🙂

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  6. I enjoyed hearing/seeing this story again. Also glad I found you again! Eerie..

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  7. As we mature we feel that our parents are totally out of touch with the way we feel about ourselves and life. Your story is inspirational. At times parental intervention may help a person realize their potential and change their views of themselves in major ways. Thank you for sharing your story. Enjoy the day.

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